It is Better to Understand...

2026-07-31

I took a few tries to do proper capitalize on the title. I have a few technical blogs I want to write but they take a little longer and require a bit more thought so I am holding off on them. Also the kids have now slept two nights all of the way through so that has been very helpful. I think my youngest is a really really light sleeper, like me, and so I need to be very careful.

Ok I was listening to a podcast, I bet it was one from here but I forget: https://www.youtube.com/@peteholmes/videos (You made it weird - By Pete Holmes)

It isn’t that important. But one of the guests mentioned a quote that I liked, it was “To understand rather to be understood”.

This is apparently from a Prayer of St. Francis ( https://kottke.org/14/04/the-prayer-of-saint-francis ). I also really like the Serenity Prayer that my Dad taught me from AA, these are both up there in top mantras. Man Saints are pretty good at making mantras, I am kind of godless but I believe in empathy, love, communication, rules, goodness and community.

But I really liked this quote, understanding is very asymmetric. Sometimes it is really easy to understand someone and sometimes it is very hard. Sometimes I will look at some or their values and think to myself ‘Why are they like this’? ‘Who would make such a choice?’. And I realize that people probably look at me like that. I often think about people who habitually gamble and think, statistically they are losing money. But I think I dont understand the rush they feel, the joy. I am not a very romantic person, my lovely wife Sneha will tell you, because I don’t understand the joy from romance, the spark, the butterflies. I try to do it anyway for Sneha but I dont always understand.

And the quote is really good because it works the other way, I also often think I wish they would just understand me better But it is hard to change someone else mind. I can leave a few clues, or be very frank, but even being frank doesn’t always let someone understand you better. Sometimes people are who they are.

This is part of controlling what you can control, and I can control myself and my own thought processes. And I will try harder, and cherish, understanding others even if they don’ understand me. If I can understand my family, friends, kids, or coworkers just a little bit better, I have won for the day. Even if this person doesn’t understand me at all, that is ok, I am at peace with that, I would rather understand them.

-Gary